The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
