I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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