he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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