the condom got lost in my hair
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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