Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
