i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
