bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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