rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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