The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
