So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
