I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We don't watch enough power rangers
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
