the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize