just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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