and you said cock pushups were impossible
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
