I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
