god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
