Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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