Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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