Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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