the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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