Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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