he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i came on her dog
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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