Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
