Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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