Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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