we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
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There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
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Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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