I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
