So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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