Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
