I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
