no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
