The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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