I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
