so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
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She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
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Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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