I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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