I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Are we still banned from the library?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
