Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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