my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
