You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
