Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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