The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
