i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
