ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
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Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
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I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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