loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
