i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
