good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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