some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
