Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
