Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
