Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
