omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
