One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
