found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
