ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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