i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
