he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
