I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
